Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim. — Vicki Harrison,
Loss comes to us in many forms. The loss of a loved one, a relationship, marriage, or a job is infinite and vast. Sometimes experiencing loss seems okay when it happens. A week later, you’re enraged at the checkout clerk because she didn’t handle your tomatoes with enough care. Our grief finds us; we can not hide from it, no matter how hard we try. Over the last ten years, I have lost about a dozen family members and friends. The process of healing has been different for each person.
My most recent experience with grief is over a friend. My friend passed away unexpectedly. When I found out, I took a deep breath, and I cried. I wiped the tears and moved forward with the business of life and death. That was it, and I was okay- but don’t ask me how I feel. I spoke at her funeral, saw old friends, and immersed myself in my community. I was just fine. I sincerely thought I had found my way through grief in the most graceful manner. What I forgot is sometimes after a loss, shock occurs. At least for me, I went numb. A month later, someone broke a gift my friend had given me. It broke me. Staring down at the broken pieces of my present, a tidal wave of anguish swept over me. All I wanted to do was crawl into my bed and cry. I was shocked and quite frankly, a little annoyed. I thought I dealt with my feelings around her death. I didn’t know then, the process of healing from this loss would be an ongoing journey. It has been nearly two years since she passed away. A few weeks ago, I walked into a restaurant. I scanned the room, and I saw my friend. A woman from a certain angle looked just like my friend. It felt like hope for a split second. Then reality set in, my friend is dead. I couldn’t breathe, and I felt the tears coming. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to feel. Fighting the feelings would have been futile. She is still with me. She will always be with me. I can live in harmony with her memory today and honor the feelings as they come.
My journey from being numb and in denial to allowing the feelings to come when needed has been a long process. I’ve learned a few things along the way. It applies to any loss we suffer. Grief is grief, and it hurts no matter the source.
- STOP ASKING WHY.
I wanted a reasonable explanation as to why my friend was taken from this world. If I’m honest with myself, I know no reason will diminish the pain or help me recover faster — the why will not bring my friend back. Try to use as much of that energy as you can to accept the new normal. An existence without your friend, the job you loved, or your family member. We can not erase what happened, but trusting the process in your life will allow you to find solutions and joy in circumstances that don’t always make sense.
- STOP APOLOGIZING FOR YOUR GRIEF; TELL PEOPLE HOW YOU FEEL.
I have a habit of crying and apologizing for doing so. As if, my tears are poison or a grave inconvenience. Now isn’t the time to make yourself small. Now is the time to expand yourself. Reach out to the soft, warm places you have in your life and embrace them as best you can. Call a friend and ask them how they are doing, open up, and tell them how you are doing; look for support. Call your life coach and ask about grief support coaching or groups. If you’re a member of a church or fellowship, lean into your community. People want to support you, but often they don’t know how to. Being vocal about your struggle will allow others to invest in your process and help where they can.
- DOUBLE DOWN ON SELF CARE.
When moving on from loss, sometimes we can experience physical symptoms. It might show up as insomnia, lack of appetite, fatigue, or nausea. These symptoms are a natural part of the process. Honor your body and give it time to heal as well. That means self-care should be at the forefront of your healing.
Do your best to eat balanced regular meals. Eating can be hard when you are feeling your best, throw in grief, and it might feel impossible. Aim to eat at least three times a day. Include at least one vegetable and protein a day in these meals. I tell my clients all the time, “You need gas to move your car; you need food to move and heal your body.” Eating will help you maintain a clear mind and balanced emotions.
Next, get at least 7 hours of sleep. I know you might just lay there thinking and staring at the ceiling. Grab a book or newspaper (yes, you can still find publications). Look for something with dry content. Like the financial section of the paper or a book you’ve read before. Sleep is essential when healing. It restores the body and the mind; it is the natural reset button we have.
Last but not least, move your body. Go for a walk once a day. Do a little yoga, if you’re into that. If you can’t afford a class, watch a beginner’s yoga class online. I like the YouTube channel, “Yoga with Adriene.”. This instructor offers free videos at different levels. Some of her courses include grief, self-love, happiness, and sorrow.
- UNDERSTAND THEIR ISN’T A TIMELINE FOR HEALING
I have heard it said, “Some things never stop sucking.” Time doesn’t heal all wounds; your pain will lessen and evolve. You will learn to live with the change or loss. Valuing your emotions and your process by not giving it a time clock to punch or deadline to meet is an act of love. I ask that you release yourself from the expectations you have. We can’t predict how we will feel about loss and change. The only thing we can control is how we choose to show up during the process. When I saw a woman that looked like my friend, it felt terrible. I can’t say that her absence felt any better than it did two years ago. I can tell you this; when I experience that grief today, I embrace my feelings. It is a reminder of my capacity to love.
As we say goodbye to another Summer and head into Autumn, look for the change in the season. The leaves will turn, the air will crisp, and gradually, Winter will be here. Remind yourself; change is imminent and necessary for the cycle of life. We move on and hold our memories close to our hearts. It is my hope, whatever loss you are experiencing will lead you back to love. I hope you all find power in your memories from the past and gain strength to move forward.
Links:
https://www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene/videos?app=desktop
Conscious Contact Coaching 